Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.
Let your heart not be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27
Although my season of struggle was at its pinnacle this summer, I truly believe my season of struggle began late last year when I was physically going through a lot of pain. This was a whole new pain for me, a new pain because it was physical and didn't have much to do with my heart, it was my body this time. I knew something had to be done. After many sonograms, MRI's and examinations, it was determined that I needed surgery, a major surgery. I thought to myself, how could this be Lord? I've been extremely healthy my whole life and now I will be having a surgery, haven't I already been through enough? When was this all going to end? If that wasn't enough, the doctor told me that when it comes to having children, we may have to consider other options when it comes time to deliver. Instantly my thought went to, why am I not good enough to now do what a woman's body was created to do? No, the doctor didn't tell me I couldn't have children, it was more of a "we have to be really careful" because it could become potentially fatal. I was devastated. In that moment I began thinking of all of my dear friends who have struggled with infertility and how that must have felt to have those conversations. I don't even know if I can have children, but my heart broke instantly.
At the time I was going through this, I had met a man who "was a Christian." I was so happy to finally have met a man who chased the Lord and I felt the Lord had placed him in my life at the perfect time. I really enjoyed my time with him; he was so handsome, kept a Bible next to his bed (so I assumed he read it), went to Church, was a courageous firefighter, and was really passionate. I hadn't been this excited about someone for quite some time and I was really looking forward to having this surgery so we could finally move forward with this relationship to see what was in store. Satan got me with this one. He sent me a man who seemed to have everything I'd been wanting in a man, including his faith, and he turned out to be everything but that. Unfortunately, the relationship didn't work out and I was back to square one, only I was in recovery from surgery as well.
At the time I was going through this, I had met a man who "was a Christian." I was so happy to finally have met a man who chased the Lord and I felt the Lord had placed him in my life at the perfect time. I really enjoyed my time with him; he was so handsome, kept a Bible next to his bed (so I assumed he read it), went to Church, was a courageous firefighter, and was really passionate. I hadn't been this excited about someone for quite some time and I was really looking forward to having this surgery so we could finally move forward with this relationship to see what was in store. Satan got me with this one. He sent me a man who seemed to have everything I'd been wanting in a man, including his faith, and he turned out to be everything but that. Unfortunately, the relationship didn't work out and I was back to square one, only I was in recovery from surgery as well.
O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must i struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?
Psalm 13:1-2
Since recovering from surgery, I have been fortunate that many of my friends have connected me with singles who have a lot of potential, still, I was becoming increasingly frustrated as many of these men were lacking a relationship with the Lord. I also began to let my singleness define me as a woman. It seemed that was all I was talking about and thinking about, mainly because I felt that's how others saw me, single. I began to feel that's all my friends would ask about. I know it was truly because they cared about me and my heart, but I feel terrible giving them the same answer each and every time...a resounding no. I started to reflect on my life as a single woman with no family, no kiddos. I began to focus on not being invited to birthdays and celebrations when my friends got together with their husbands and kiddos, which was extremely hurtful. I felt UNWANTED and UNINVITED. I focused on what had "been done to me" instead of embracing the journey and realizing this is just getting me another step closer to what the Lord has for me. Satan had me right where he wanted me, a pit of despair.
I spent less time with my dear friend Mary (I spoke of her in my first post) and much more time at home in the confines of my home and own thoughts. I felt I didn't have anywhere to turn, I was alone again. I wanted out of here! I needed out of here, my situation. I hated being so down, my friends hated to see me there and didn't know how to help. It took me having a hard conversation with my dear friends Mary, Clint, and Shawna as well as my sister, Jayme to really kick start my climb up the mountain. The three biggest supporters in my life encouraged me and were honest with where I was at that moment. Something I couldn't see, I didn't realize how much I allowed the weight of my season to impact my heart, mind, soul and relationship with the Lord. I needed to get back to my Father...so the journey began...
I began to pray,
Jesus, Jesus, help me. I cry out to you, I need you. I have been in a pit of despair for too long and I have been so far from you. Lord, bring my heart back to you. Let me long for you again as I once did. I need you now as much as I did during my divorce and each day. I cannot hold the weight of this any longer. Your will be done Lord. I am no longer in control, I trust and believe in you MY GOD. Restore my faith in you and the plan you have for my life. Rescue me my Lord, in Jesus name. Amen.
I heard this message from one of my favorite pastors in Georgia, Kim Pothier:
Nothing we left behind is greater than what you're bringing into our lives. We need to forgive ourselves. Don't let Satan lie to you-he will attack you when you are at your lowest. Don't settle. Don't sway, you will regret it one day. Everything you are going through is no surprise to God.
Instagram Noteworthy post:
God has you in a crossroads. Everyone can't have you and everyone can't go where God is taking you. You're going to lose some people along the way, but that's okay. They weren't meant to stay anyway. God also understands you've been single for a long time and your longing for companionship. Know that He's preparing you for someone special. That's why He blocks the people you're interested in or are interested in you because they aren't for you! God doesn't want to se you wasting your time or hurt. What you have is so special. God wants your anointing to be shared with the one He has specifically made for you.
I am happy to share I am out of the darkness! If you are going through a season of darkness, please know there is light in the Lord our SAVIOR. Stay steadfast in your prayers and chase the Lord! He is always there. Sometimes all He wants is for us to call His name. Even if that's all we can do, do just that! He is waiting for you. Keep trusting, believing, and chasing Him. I wanted to share this part of my life with you so you KNOW that seasons will still come even if you've been through an extremely tough season before. God didn't promise and easy life loving Him, He promises He will never leave you or forsake you. Each season you go through is no mistake and it's not a surprise to Him.
I am here to encourage you today! I have PEACE again! God is so faithful! God has you right where he wants you in this season. He is pruning you for a season of growth and expansion! I couldn't wait to get out of my season of struggle, but I was supposed to be there; in that moment, chasing God. Courage, Dear Heart. Life isn't easy, but knowing where to go in times of trouble is. Doubt your doubts before you doubt your FAITH. I love all of you dearly and hope that me sharing this post helps you to see that the journey continues. The mountains you face are only representation of progression in life. You've been assigned this mountain to show others that it can and will be moved. They weren't meant to get in your way, you were to climb them! Sometimes the fear of the climb will never go away, but do it anyway. Climb it with fear, but KNOW our God is with you. Sending you a lot of LOVE today!
Be ENCOURAGED
My favorite mountain,
Mt. Rainier in Washington
My favorite mountain,
Mt. Rainier in Washington
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